The title of this article was taken from Ardhito Pramonos's song: "Waking Up Together with You". I heard this beautiful song randomly when I visited the Pos Bloc on Sunday, 9th November 2025. Even though I felt surprised that Dhito's song has an international quality melody, I think that this is an old song from a British band, European singers, or something like that. In my head, Ardhito Pramono's image is not good and appropriate for me. I tend to hate him and all about him because of the media framing, not because I know him exactly and literally as he is.
After I have made a close reading, oh, a poor boy. So fragile a person like me. It was true that he had ever consumed drugs, been a hothead in the club, had an affair, divorced from his wife, and so on. You can list his faults as human normal standards. You can name it. But from another perspective, he was the kind of child who did not have enough love from his parents. He fulfills another person's needs over his own. I reflect on myself, and my condition is sometimes quite the same.
And then I hear Dhito's works in music, oh God, he is a genius.
(Sure, in my lowest condition of life. I want to cry while writing this.)
I really like it when Dhito said that "love is understandable". Here, I want to tell you something.
In the morning, I asked myself, relating to Dhito's condition: "Why do I tend to fulfill others' needs rather than myself?" And you know, there are a few very human reasons why someone tends to prioritize others' needs above their own, such as: (1) Being needed = being valued, (2) you are deeply empathetic, (3) giving more means your instrument to reduce your own anxiety, (3) fear being a burden or "too much", (4) or as simply, you haven't been taught how to identify your own needs.
But I tend to feel that I was never protected enough to love myself with the same intensity that I give to people. The condition I did last week. I don't have so much money to survive after being scammed, but I pressed myself to buy fashions for my brothers and sisters to celebrate Idul Fitri. I gave my best when I was buying it. But now, no one cares. I don't have anything, even a plate of rice. Why did this happen then? Does it love? So I realize, I equate love with sacrifice, and I know that it is an old, bad pattern. I value love not as a connection, but responsibility. I was running on emotional autopilot.
I ask again: Why does love in my body feel like responsibility? Because my body reacts to love the way other people react to duty, instead of feeling love as joy, warmth, and ease. This affection immediately turns into responsibility in my nervous system. My body goes into "I must" mode, rather than "I want". My first instinct in love is sacrifice, not reciprocity. I don't allow myself to receive with the same intensity, because when people love me back, I really feel uneasy, indebted, guilty for needing, and downplay my own pain. My body believes survival depends on being useful, even when I am hungry, alone, desperate, and no one checks on me. And it is common to the people who grew up without consistent emotional safety. Then, you collapse afterwards. My body is repeating an old script: self-destructive.
So, after realizing that love is easy and understandable, I will say, it's okay, Isma. It's okay, you still matter even though you don't give to your siblings. They are adults too. And this is not your responsibility to give them like you did last week. Come on, you have to prioritize your own first. Love is not responsible; it is a connection. Love is understandable.
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